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Saturday, December 7, 2013

Don't Go

Perhaps I've shared before that my extended family is small. On most holidays or significant events, the go-to people in my family are my mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa. There is Rick's family and a few more relatives on my side (which I am not discounting), but from the very beginning, it's always been us four. I would be lying if I said I didn't sometimes resent the smallness, the siblings I never had. Maybe that's why I've always wanted lots of children...hmmmm...
So, it's really no wonder why when the rock of this little family, my grandma, has been given the ultimate trial of her life that I have been a complete wreck. The roller coaster that started a few weeks ago ended with disappointment last night as we learned about her cancer, the inability to treat, and all of the other details you find out when you're terminally ill.
When she was finished, I asked, "How long?" I don't know why I asked. Maybe because in the movies they ask. Maybe because that's what you're supposed to ask when you have untreatable carcinoma. "We didn't ask. We don't want to know," was my mom's answer. The relief I felt when she didn't have an answer. It was a dumb question, anyway.
So, now as I prepare to talk to my grandma for the very first time after this news, I can't find the words. I called last night and my grandpa's upbeat voice was too much to handle, so I gave GG the phone. I whispered things I wanted her to say. She talked to my grandpa, grandma, and mom. She said things like, "I love you," and, "Don't worry about anything." All things I want to say so desperately, but somehow can't. My words get caught in my throat and all I have to show for how I feel is tears. I want to be strong, but have reverted back to the 5 year old my grandma used to take to Steak and Eggs after shopping at Montgomery Wards. My 33 year old self really just wants to hug her and beg her not to go. Please don't go, Grandma...as if she would ever willingly deny that request. That's why I can't even go see her. I really don't think I could keep myself from such ridiculous requests. And does anyone who has to go really want someone begging them to stay? Wouldn't that just make the leaving so much harder?

As I've sat here for at least 15 minutes trying to find a way to transition to the positive, the moral, the inspiration, I've got nothing. At least right now. I've got no good way to sum up this post. 
It is what it is. Ending right in the awkward middle...

I'd end with where I see God, but I am frustrated and my eyes are swollen. 
I know He understands.