Confession

Can't sleep.  Maybe it's because it's 3am and everyone in my family is either watching cartoons or eating...

but it's not. 

Truth is, I've been awake and have had a hard time sleeping the past few nights.

Confession:

I don't want to be a stay at home mom.

Shocker. Collective gasp.

I want to be a stay at home family.

For the past six months, I have spent every single day with the loves of my life.  Our mornings are spent at the kitchen table laughing and indulging in Rick's homemade biscuits, gravy, bacon, and eggs.  (No wonder I can't lose any weight!!)  We explore our neighborhood on our early morning walks, sometimes getting lost on the side streets.  We take naps in the middle of the day.  Rick and I place the middle cushion of the couch in between us to share.  We take trips to Target, play in the baby pool, and make dance videos.  At night, we watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.  Rick and I go back and forth about who gets the answers right first.

So many of the things we've been doing have become routine, but they never get old.  The reason they never get old is because we still have the spontaneity of us. 

As a new school year approaches, I have this sick feeling lurking in the pit of my stomach.  I'm ridden with a lot of anxiety about driving away from my family on that first morning back to school.  

I don't want to leave them.  

And why should I?  They are such a source of joy, love, acceptance, and positivity.  They are so much fun!  In my eyes, they're perfect.  In their eyes, I am.

I equate the feeling to when I was 9 years old and I went to stay the night at a friend's house.  I so vividly remember having to call my mom because I was homesick.  That's exactly what's starting to creep into my thoughts at night as I try to sleep.  It's like I'm a child all over again.

But then, I think about this:

I'm going to be celebrating my 10th year of teaching! That's a milestone...to me.  

In those 10 years, I've been many things to many students.  I look back on the teacher and the person my students have perceived me to be.  One year, a student nominated me for Disney's Teacher of the Year.  I didn't win, but what a huge honor to be nominated!  Another year, I received an award from a student at his church.  Leading this particular annual award ceremony was my 8th grade Social Studies teacher!  A couple of years ago, a student's dad hung a banner from his roof in honor of the year his son had had in my classroom.  Recently, a mother whose older son I had taught, shared that despite having the option to send her youngest son to another school, she didn't move him because she wanted me to be his 4th grade teacher. And then, there's the student who comes back year after year, as her mother patiently waits outside my door, and gets advice on everything from boys to AP classes.  

Who is that teacher?

What did she do that made such a difference?

If I'm going to have to drive away from my family on the morning of August 15th, you had better believe that every second I spend outside of the best place on earth (and no, I'm not referring to Disney!), is going to count.  I want to be the kind of teacher I want my children to have.  I want the parents of my students to see that I value the 7 hours a day their children spend with me.  7 x 180 = a whole lot of hours (sorry, not up for even simple math at 3am, people) to help inspire, shape, love, motivate, and teach a child.  I pray that I am only so lucky to have that kind of teacher for my daughters year after year, that their teachers will realize the extent of the influence they have on my children.

So, as I begin my 10th year of teaching...

As I prepare to start working after the best 6 months of my life...

I'm going to pray that God helps me get in touch with that teacher I want to be.  I'm going to pray that when I feel homesick, He helps me remember that importance of what I'm doing.  I know I'm going to see God this year.  

He hasn't let me down yet...

Not that I think He would.  :) hehe.

Love,

Mary