And What Must It Be Like to Be Alone...

Is a good night's rest too much to ask for?

For the last week, the twins have been very inconsistent in their sleep schedule.  We've tried different things, called the doctor, but our nights remain the same:  one of them spends most of the night whining, requiring us to put in her pacifier over and over and over.  Maybe 50 times in one night...

As a working mom, as a teacher, it is difficult to meet the demands of my job when I'm so tired.  There is this sense of urgency I have when I'm at school.  You can't take a break or relax when you have children who need to learn how to read.  You can't take a break or relax when you have children who need to learn how to count and say numbers.  You can't take a break or relax when you have children who need to work on concepts two grade levels above because they are so advanced.  

I'm not complaining about the responsibility that comes along with teaching.  I love it.  I guess what I'm saying is this:  it sure is hard being a working mom.  Balancing the responsibilities at home and school has proven to be extremely exhausting.  I'm sure I could make it easier for myself, but then I feel like one end would lose out and too many people are counting on me.  That, in itself, is tiring.

Let's take last night for example.  It was Marielle's turn to whimper and cry every 10 minutes when her pacifier came out.  We had about 20 minutes of complete silence and we hear a cry in the distance.  It was Gabriella.  She was afraid of the "funder" and so into bed she came with us.  

Only GG wasn't tired.  So, for the next 30 minutes that the twins were actually content, Gabriella's big boney toe kept poking me in my back and the slurping from her sucking on her two fingers in my ear was magnified by the quiet around us.  As Marielle started to cry again, here was the conversation...

Rick:  I'll get up and get it.

Me:  No, I will.  I'm up.

Rick:  No, I'm already up.  I'll get it.

Me:  Well, I'm up, too.

GG sits straight up in the bed and so proudly exclaims:  I'm up, too!!!!

Rick and Me:  We know.....

Then, for the next half hour GG begged and pleaded to watch cartoons or a movie.  

GG:  Daddy, let's go down stairs and let Mommy rest.  We can watch cartoons.  How about that for some fun?

Rick in a very sarcastic tone: GG, thanks for tootin' on my leg.

GG in her most sincere voice: You're welcome, Daddy.

It was 3am.

Finally, we let her watch Lilo and Stitch.  As I laid there with the covers over my head, trying to block out the slurping and boney toes and crying, I heard someone in the movie say something like, "...and what must it be like to be alone, to have nothing to look back on, not even memories to think about in the middle of the night..."

What would it be like? 

These years when the girls are so young...

they are hard

they are exhausting

they are, at times, frustrating

but, they are so much fun

they are filled with much more laughter than tears

At the very core, they are the years we will one day look back on and wish for their return. 

So, bring on the sleep-deprived nights, my precious girls.  They are the moments that will turn into memories that will prevent me from ever being alone.

My prayer each day this week has been so simple: God, walk with me.

However, if I can't get some sleep soon, I'm going to have to change my prayer:  God, carry me. 

Ha!

For all of the mommies that stumble upon this blog, I hope that when you're tired from giving everything you have to everything and everyone around you, that you can find patience, humor, love, and appreciation in the memories you're making.  However crazy they may be.  

Because what would it be like to be alone, to have nothing to look back on?

Love,

Mary