I Worry

I'm sure you don't remember, but when Rick and I first shared we were having twins I wrote that for once in my life I was not worried. Well, I lied. I mean, I wasn't lying then, but as it turns out, I've reverted back to my worrying ways.
Yesterday, Rick and I had our 22 week appointment and the 24 hours leading up to this appointment were an emotional roller coaster. Even though I'm only a month away from my third trimester, I still worry about both babies not being there. I worry about the $150 we pay each time we see the high risk doctor. I worry about the TWO cribs we've yet to order. I worry about how to nurse TWO babies. I worry about having a C-section and bed rest. I worry about my heart that beats so hard and fast lately. I worry about my class and making sure that, even though I'm carrying around TWO babies, they get the same level of energy, and love, and engaging lessons.
I worry.
Mostly, I worry in the middle of the night.
Like now.
When I can't sleep and there's nothing else to do except think.

Do you know what I really worry about, though?

The little cyst they found on Genevieve's head that is an indicator of Down Syndrome. I'm not worried about her health. I'm not worried about having a special needs child. None of the obvious so much as even rattles me.
I'm worried that somewhere along the way...
way down the road...
someone will make her feel different.
will laugh at her.

That's what I really worry about. I can't help it.

Please don't think you're being invited to a pity party, though.

Because here's what I'm not going to worry about...

I'm not going to worry about Genevieve and Marielle's relationship. Yesterday, while we were at the ultrasound, we got to see them have a little love fight in real time! Genevieve was kicking Marielle and Marielle was hitting her back! It was fascinating to watch! In the picture above, you can see Marielle's face, but that's actually Genevieve's foot in her face! They are already so close.

I'm not going to worry about being alone. There's not one night that I've been up that Rick hasn't gotten up with me, rubbed my back or feet, listened to me share my craziest thoughts, and reassured me time and time again. He lets me know, in so many ways, that he appreciates everything it takes out of me to carry the latest additions to our family. In fact, I think he just fell asleep. :)

I'm not going to worry about our little family. I think we give everything we have to each other and Gabriella. We were sitting on the couch the other night, watching TV, holding hands. GG crawled right up between us and said, "Hold hand." She stuck her little hand right in the middle of ours'. And sat there. Enjoying our company. Do we make mistakes? Of course! But if having a family means giving every bit of yourself, your time, your love, your attention to each other, then we're on the right track.

In Matthew it says, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

As I look at the pictures Rick took of GG hugging Marielle and Genevieve, I see her unfailing trust. She depends on Rick and me, like I should be depending on God. We've never let her down. We've always made sure she has everything she needs. If I'm honest, she has way more than she needs. In her two year old mind, it's that simple. Mommy and Daddy will always provide. Maybe I should remember that childlike faith at times like this...when I'm up in the middle of the night...
and worrying.

There isn't one worry I've had in the last few months that has been actualized. I worry. God takes care of it. I worry again. God takes care of it.
Again.
and Again.

You'd think I'd get the picture.

Actually, I do. Most of the time. There's just the few times when it's hard.
Maybe you can relate...

I hear God and I hope you hear him, too. Telling me, telling us, not to worry so much. He's got it all under control.

Love,
Mary

P.S. Thanks for reading. Even if no one did, I'd still write, though. My blog is like therapy...only I don't have to pay a co-pay! HA!